Polyamory

I started writing on this subject a few weeks ago and in the process learned a lot more about what Polyamory is and a lot more about myself. I did a lot of research on the subject, had friends read what I had already written and re-wrote a good deal of what I had done. I decided the best format was to do this in the form of an FAQ. I found questions on some of the other FAQ sites, and even though the question may be the same, the response to it is my own, except where I have stated. Other questions that I had I couldn’t find on other sites and I dealt with them the best I could with what knowledge I had.  

I will list the questions, in no particular order of importance, as they came to me when I started doing this and I know there are probably some out there that I have missed. I hope you will feel free to email and ask. All the comments and theories are my own and reflect my own personal opinions and experiences. This is not meant to be a tutorial in any way, shape or from, nor is it the Gospel according to ME. It is meant to be an informational exchange of ideas, and experiences.  

QUESTIONS 

• What is Polyamory?

• Is Polyamory cheating?

• What about jealousy?

• Why Polyamory?

• What about “commitment”, “marriage”, etcetera ….?

• Is sex the most important aspect of Polyamory?

• Is Polyamory, Swinging?

• Is Polyamory for you?

• Is Polyamory legal?

• Are their any indicators that point to being Polyamorous?

• How do you talk to your Partner about Polyamory?

• Pros and Cons of Polyamory

• Summary

WHAT IS POLYAMORY?

 Well sad to say I could not find a dictionary definition of this word but from what I can remember of basic Latin and French, “poly” means many or multi and “Amory” is a derivative of the French word “amour” meaning love. So therefore if you put the two words together they mean, “many loves”, the loving and sharing of more than one relationship. This is the basic definition.  

The loving of more than one individual encompasses emotional, spiritual and sexual aspects of a relationship, and we will delve deeper into that as we get further along in our discussion. 

Polyamorous is the term used to describe people who are open to more than one relationship, even if they are not currently involved in more than one relationship. These definitions are broad and somewhat loose, in order to encompass the variety of poly relationships out there. 

IS POLYAMORY CHEATING? 

Main Entry: ¹cheat
Pronunciation: 'chEt
Date: 1590
transitive senses
1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting <cheat death>
intransitive senses
1 a: to practice fraud or trickery b: to violate rules dishonestly (as at cards or on an examination)
2: to be sexually unfaithful -- usually used with on

 This is the Merriam Webster definition of what cheating is. By definition cheating involves deceit and the need to hide what the cheater is doing.

 Polyamorous couples share openness in their relationship. The desire to incorporate others into your life requires communication, negotiation and above all honesty. 

As quoted from Sexuality.org: “What this boils down to with polyamory is that polyamorous people do not tell partners, lovers, prospective members of that group that they are monogamous when in fact they are not, nor do they allow these people to assume they are monogamous, regardless of how convenient or personally advantageous such assumptions might be.” 

Cheating involves a very long process of hiding and denying what you are doing, and believing that no one knows what you are up to, when in fact most do know, where polyamory involves open and honest discussion with all parties involved. 

WHAT ABOUT JEALOUSY? 

A: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness B: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness (Merriam Webster)

No one can truly predict what triggers feelings of jealousy and even in poly relationships it happens. Relationships, poly or otherwise, do not come with owners manuals and each relationship is as unique as the people involved in it and what worked in a previous relationship may not work now. The best you can do is to have a set of loose guidelines, or rules that can be used to help find the underlying problems that may cause the jealousy. 

Some basics that I have used to help when I am feeling a little out of things: 

• Remember your significant other or what poly people call the “prime” partner, their needs and thoughts should always be in sync with what you desire and need. Be frank and honest in your discussions, not being included is an underlying factor in causing some jealousy.

•  Never use Polyamory as an escape, to run away from what is wrong in your base relationship. Find out where your problems lie, and what triggers you or partner may have, things that may upset you or your partner. Once you identify these you can take steps to avoid those triggers. Every relationship has its moments, good and bad, knowing what makes it good and bad, strengthens you and your partner, making your poly relationships stronger as well.

• This is one rule of thumb that I use for myself and you may find it of help to you. Never make your significant partner feel inadequate or taken for granted. Egos can be very nasty things to deal with, but they make us who we are and no one likes to feel less that what they are.

In a way, you and your partner(s) will decide many of your rules. Once you do that, you and your base partner will find that playing poly will be a lot more comfortable. Take your time, do your research and ask, ask, ask…. nothing is ever learned by not asking. 

WHY POLYAMORY? 

Well this is not an easy one to answer and in my belief one has to decide for them self. In many ways it is both the easiest and the hardest choice to make, and there is no practical explanation as why some couples are open and honestly polyamorous and others are monogamous and use cheating as an outlet. In some cases, society and upbringing have a lot to do with how our morals are formed. Many people do believe that polyamory is morally wrong, but in the same breath chat about the affair they are having on the side. We could sit here and debate morals all day but no one would be any closer to understanding why some people do it and others don’t.

Everyone has their own reasons as to why they are polyamorous. For many it is the desire to share their love and life with others who feel and believe as they do and this in itself is a great spiritual feeling. I know from my own experiences, why I am polyamorous, and that is what is truly important to poly people. Their reasons are important to them and they feel no need to have to justify their positions to any one.

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