I started writing on this
subject a few weeks ago and in the process learned a lot more about what
Polyamory is and a lot more about myself. I did a lot of research
on the subject, had friends read what I had already written and re-wrote a
good deal of what I had done. I decided the best format was to do this in the
form of an FAQ. I found questions on some of the other FAQ sites, and
even though the question may be the same, the response to it is my own, except
where I have stated. Other questions that I had I couldn’t find on other sites
and I dealt with them the best I could with what knowledge I had.
I will list the questions,
in no particular order of importance, as they came to me when I started doing
this and I know there are probably some out there that I have missed. I hope
you will feel free to email and ask. All the comments and theories are my own
and reflect my own personal opinions and experiences. This is not meant to be
a tutorial in any way, shape or from, nor is it the Gospel according to ME.
It is meant to be an informational exchange of ideas, and experiences.
WHAT IS POLYAMORY?
sad to say I could not find a dictionary definition of this word but from what
I can remember of basic Latin and French, “poly” means many or multi and
“Amory” is a derivative of the French word “amour” meaning love. So therefore
if you put the two words together they mean, “many loves”, the loving and
sharing of more than one relationship. This is the basic definition.
The loving of more than one
individual encompasses emotional, spiritual and sexual aspects of a
relationship, and we will delve deeper into that as we get further along in
Polyamorous is the term
used to describe people who are open to more than one relationship, even if
they are not currently involved in more than one relationship. These
definitions are broad and somewhat loose, in order to encompass the variety of
poly relationships out there.
IS POLYAMORY CHEATING?
Main Entry: 1cheat
This is the Merriam
Webster definition of what cheating is. By definition cheating involves
deceit and the need to hide what the cheater is doing.
Polyamorous couples share
openness in their relationship. The desire to incorporate others into your
life requires communication, negotiation and above all honesty.
As quoted from
Sexuality.org: “What this boils down
to with polyamory is that polyamorous people do not tell partners, lovers,
prospective members of that group that they are monogamous when in fact they
are not, nor do they allow these people to assume they are monogamous,
regardless of how convenient or personally advantageous such assumptions might
Cheating involves a very
long process of hiding and denying what you are doing, and believing that no
one knows what you are up to, when in fact most do know, where polyamory
involves open and honest discussion with all parties involved.
WHAT ABOUT JEALOUSY?
A: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness B: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness (Merriam Webster)
No one can truly predict
what triggers feelings of jealousy and even in poly relationships it happens.
Relationships, poly or otherwise, do not come with owners manuals and each
relationship is as unique as the people involved in it and what worked in a
previous relationship may not work now. The best you can do is to have a set
of loose guidelines, or rules that can be used to help find the underlying
problems that may cause the jealousy.
Some basics that I have
used to help when I am feeling a little out of things:
In a way, you and your
partner(s) will decide many of your rules. Once you do that, you and your base
partner will find that playing poly will be a lot more comfortable. Take your
time, do your research and ask, ask, ask…. nothing is ever learned by not
Well this is not an easy one to answer and in my belief one has to decide for them self. In many ways it is both the easiest and the hardest choice to make, and there is no practical explanation as why some couples are open and honestly polyamorous and others are monogamous and use cheating as an outlet. In some cases, society and upbringing have a lot to do with how our morals are formed. Many people do believe that polyamory is morally wrong, but in the same breath chat about the affair they are having on the side. We could sit here and debate morals all day but no one would be any closer to understanding why some people do it and others don’t.
Everyone has their own reasons as to why they are polyamorous. For many it is the desire to share their love and life with others who feel and believe as they do and this in itself is a great spiritual feeling. I know from my own experiences, why I am polyamorous, and that is what is truly important to poly people. Their reasons are important to them and they feel no need to have to justify their positions to any one.
Real Amateurs all the time!
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