Polyamory - Page 2
WHAT ABOUT MARRIAGE, COMMITMENT, ETC?
What about it? Polyamory does not disqualify commitment. Polyamory is allowing you to be open to possible opportunity, if it comes along, not running away from commitment, because something better will come along.
No one group holds the
franchise on commitment, and as in monogamy, polyamory is practice by a
diverse group of individuals, all committed to each other in their unique
NO! You do
not have to be single. NO! You do not
have to be married. You just have to have an open mind and a willingness to
not judge others.
IS SEX THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF
Even though, in my opinion, it is an underlying factor for some poly couples,
it is not all there is to poly relationships. Spirituality and emotional
aspects are equally important. I have found that most polyamorous couples, at
least the ones I know, form very deep emotional connections in the
relationships they have.
Many of the people you meet
and join with will have an impact on your life. One thing to remember is that
love comes in many forms and yes, you can fall in love with many of your poly
partners but with each individual you will find that the love you feel is
different yet the same. Each will have it’s own unique qualities. The best
part is that in some cases, even when you have ended a particular poly
relationship, you have made a friend and that is important in life.
Love is a truly
IS POLYAMORY SWINGING?
This is one of the more
difficult questions to answer.
In my opinion, polyamory’s
roots are deep in the swinging scene. In doing research for this article, I
invariably came across swinging in conjunction with polyamory.
I think the dividing line
between the two topics is the emotional and spiritual connections in polyamory.
If you use the definition I
gave at the beginning of the article, yes, swinging is polyamory and vice
versa but the difference lies in the underlying forces in why people swing or
chose a polyamorous lifestyle.
In the swinging scene, the
basic underlying force, is to “swing” with others, couples for the most part,
without the fear of emotional and spiritual commitment. In the poly world, one
searches out others of like thinking, in order to build a deeper relationship,
where commitment is the underlying factor.
In my opinion, commitment
is the difference between polyamory and swinging, or rather the levels of
commitment. In all my reading and research, I have found in polyamory a need
to share more of ones life that just the sexual aspects of it. In some ways
swinging can be rather superficial, (I know I will catch it for that comment),
because sexual gratification can be the primary reason behind why couples
swing. I’m not saying that long term relationships are not made in the
swinging scene, there are, many people have made friends for life in the
swinging scene, but the bottom line is the commitment. In the swinging scene,
couples meet, share experiences and then return to their normal everyday
lives. Without regrets.
In polyamorous people they
seek to share their lives with others willing to do the same. In many ways
this is a form of marriage, very spiritual, but still marriage. This requires
a deeper level of commitment from all involved.
Not all polyamorous
relationships last, they are as prone to break-ups as any other relationship
and we all know nothing last forever. Risks are a part of life and you never
know what you can do till you try.
IS POLYAMORY FOR YOU?
This is a question
only you can answer. All I can do is direct you in asking the right questions.
Polyamory requires the consent of all involved, so be sure of your current
relationship before you dive in feet first. Be aware of the pitfalls of
polyamory and be secure in your feelings. Remember, there are no rules that
govern this lifestyle choice. BE HONEST!
IS POLYAMORY LEGAL?
This is one of the grey areas and in some areas, depending on where you live; you may be subject to “common bodyhouse” laws. I know that this is somewhat extreme but you need to know the bad with the good. Honestly though, in most parts of Canada and the United States, you are reasonably safe form any form of prosecution, as long as you are not caught breaking any laws. The major fear for polyamory people is intolerance; people who do not want to understand what polyamory is and are so high on their moral ground, that in some cases they can be a threat.
The practice that is
illegal is Polygamy. Polygamy is the practice of multiple marriages, and is
still practiced today by some offshoot sects of the Mormon Church and if
memory serves me, a few of the Hutterite and Mennonite communities in Canada
practice it as well. Yes it is against the law, although, in most areas it is
not strongly enforced, as the law it self, is considered a form of religious
Polygamy and polyamory are
similar in basic theory. Polygamy however is predominantly patriarchal,
meaning one husband, many wives. The wives tend to follow an alpha order, with
the head wife being the top of the chain. Each wife will bring different
things to the relationship, prosperity, property, or the ability to bear
ARE THERE ANY INDICATORS THAT POINT TO BEING
There are no real
indicators that say you are polyamorous. At least I know in my self there were
no real signs that polyamory would be a lifestyle choice for me. I truly
believed that my husband and I could remain monogamous, but as our
relationship aged, it also changed. We both discovered that there were things
we both needed and desired that we could no longer find with each other. Not
that they weren’t there anymore, we just needed different levels of it. Some
of the things we were going through were brought on by changes in our
individual physiology. Bodies and their hormones are wonderful and scary
things. I also know that as we both age things may change again.
The point I am trying to
make here is that you need to talk to your partner about the changes you and
your relationship are going through. Keeping the communication flowing between
you and your partner will help when things need to change or grow and develop,
in your relationship. This is also a very important thing to remember when are
involved in a polyamorous relationship as well.
One of the biggest problems
I had, at the beginning of my marriage, was that I did not know how to talk to
my husband about the things that bothered me. This almost ruined my
relationship with him. But as the years went by I developed patterns that
helped me overcome my problems. I kept a diary of sorts, it was only ever
written in when I was very upset or angry, happy feelings are very easy to
convey I discovered. I would let my husband read what I had written and it
would help open the dialogue between us. I still keep a diary, but it is more
for myself now, as I have overcome the fears I had early in my marriage.
I have been happily married now for 15 years, and in all the changes my husband and I have gone through, we have both been there for each other and supported each other in whatever choices we needed to make, in order to maintain the deep love and friendship we have for each other.
HOW DO YOU TALK TO YOUR
PARTNER ABOUT POLYAMORY?
This is one of the most oft asked question
and also one of the more difficult ones to answer.
Open, honest discussion is the only way.
In most relationships, it seems, that it is
the woman who has a more difficult time accepting the idea of an open
relationship. As I woman I can relate to that very well, as I had my own
problems to deal with. In my opinion, this is because as women we are taught
that fidelity is the most important thing in a relationship. We are taught
the culture and the morals of the society we are born into. One, that in my
belief that places a priority on men and their needs.
An option to broaching the subject with your partner is, do the research and arm yourself with all the information you can find, become an expert in it if you like, and start leaving it lying around the house. Not a lot of information at one time, but enough to pique the curiosity.
When asked, open an honest dialogue, don’t
back down from what you think may be difficult questions, and even if you
don’t think you know the answer, someone has the information to help you. If
you are honest about why you would like to venture into the polyamory
lifestyle, your partner may be open to listen to you.
PROS AND CONS!
There are a multitude of
positive reasons, as well a plenty of negative ones as well. The best thing
you can do is equip yourself with as much information as you can.
The most important benefit
of a poly relationship should be a rewarding experience and this can happen
even if problems arise. The strong and deep lasting friendships, one garners
form being polyamorous, as well as a strong sense of acceptance and well
being, are other great benefits of polyamory. The people you meet in life
leave their mark on you and in some ways can help change the path you chose to
travel on. Be open to new opportunities and you will never be disappointed.
The negatives are always
going to be there and there really isn’t a way to avoid them. Jealousy is one
of the biggest drawbacks to being polyamorous, as it will appear at the most
inopportune times. Being prepared for it and knowing what the triggers may be
helps you to deal with it and what the underlying causes of it may be. Next to
jealousy come the feeling of inadequacy and issues of self-esteem. These are
also the basis for most feelings of jealousy. The next one is what to do when
you make a bad choice. Well it happens. The best thing you can do is get past
it, put it behind you, using it only as an example of what to look out for
when you meet someone new. It’s a learning experience, and knowing that it
happened, is not going to automatically stop it from happening again. We are
doomed. It seems, to repeat history. In my belief we do that because we have
not learn what the “powers that be” want us to learn. Don’t lose heart, it
will soon become a thing of the past and you can move forward once again. Oh
and one more thing here, once it is in the past, leave it there! NEVER
dwell on it, and NEVER use it as a weapon. We are human and destined to
learn. Do so, you’ll find out how enriched you life will become.
I know I may have generated
more questions and that isn’t a bad thing. Questions are the basis of our life
and our quest to grow as individuals.
In summary, if you think
you would like to expand your relationship and to be polyamorous, I have just
a few more thoughts to add.
Please feel free to ask any questions you have,
I will do my best to answer them. I will also provide some links to some
wonderful sites dedicated to polyamory and the lifestyle.
And one last word or two………
Life is meant to be lived and how you go about
doing that, in the long run is what is RIGHT for you.
There are a lot of sites
out there that relate to this topic, the sites listed below, I believe,
contain the best information and resource material on the net. Plus they also
contain links to the various web rings and sites on the net.
For more information on jealousy and dealing
with it go to:
For more information on relationships and other
For more information on sexuality go to:
Real Amateurs all the time!
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