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Many people entering long-term,
committed relationships, be it legal marriage or partnership, have a lot of
ideas about sex in those unions they may not even be aware of. It can be a
strange awakening to realize that you don't need to worry about forgetting
your toothbrush at her place anymore, or trying to fit in a whole week of
libido in one Friday night at his place. Suddenly, your partner becomes
available and easily accessible twenty-four hours a day. Even the most
enlightened, progressive being can find themselves looking at their partner as
they're getting ready to go to work -- half-dressed, smelling like a fresh
morning shower, a little sleep still in their eyes -- and see a blaring neon
sign blaring over their heads which screams: All Sex, All the Time!
Meanwhile, they're trying to escape your wanton clutches to rustle up three
kids and get them to school on time, shovel some food and coffee down, and
make it to work on time for a change. That big sign can end up looking like a
pretty dusty marquee, where they're showing nothing but The End of the Affair.
It's very easy and very human to make the assumption that when our partner
becomes available on a daily basis, and when we've made a lifelong commitment,
that our sexual needs will now be completely fulfilled far more easily, and
far more often. We may have been raised with the idea that love makes for
great sex, and if it doesn't, we're doing something terribly wrong.
Unionized partnerships afford us a level of trust we may not have had before,
making us feel a lot less vulnerable and a lot more open, sexually and
emotionally. We may find that if our sexual drive tends to peak at odd times
that were difficult to schedule before; we're elated, because suddenly, having
sex at noon, or at four in the morning on Tuesday is possible. Perhaps we now
feel comfortable divulging -- with the anticipation of making real -- sexual
fantasies or facets of our sexuality that we felt a little too vulnerable to
do so before. Perhaps we even think of committed partnership as a way to have
LESS sex than we did before. All in all, a whole new level of our sexual
relationship has opened up to us...and we are often utterly bewildered by it.
We know some of these expectations aren't realistic. We've heard the tales of
wedded-bed-death, we may know our mothers got headaches a lot and aspirin
never seemed to make them go away, and we may suspect that our grandparents,
married 50 years and counting are probably NOT creaking the bed springs
morning, noon and night. Dr. Jack Morin, in his brilliant and groundbreaking
book The Erotic Mind, states that, "according to the ideals of love and
marriage to which most of us subscribe, deepening affection and closeness are
supposed to coexist with a dependable, satisfying sex life. However, the
difficulty millions of couples have in combining closeness with sexual
enthusiasm is evident in the steady stream of books and articles about keeping
the spark in marriage. I'm convinced that couples who openly confront the
difficulties of combining intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to
thrive. It is crucial to acknowledge that closeness and sexual desire are not
one and the same, but rather two separate, yet interacting experiences."
Most of us don't either do it like bunnies all the time or hitch a ride to the
nearest nunnery. The key to keeping it fresh and healthy without annoying
anyone or hurting anyone (or a lot of "headaches") is sexual negotiation. We
know that in other aspects of our relationship that
Compromise is King, and sex is no exception. If we come to it recognizing
that great love doesn't always make great sex, that making both work is a
lifelong endeavour that should be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging, and
that we're solely responsible for our own satisfaction, we can do more than
simply manage our collective sexuality. We can deepen and expand it so that
any "problem" becomes instead an instigator of growth, evolution and intimacy
in our relationship -- platonic and sexual -- and within ourselves.
***
Fantasy, meet Reality. Reality, meet Fantasy.
When I am in a more casual relationship, I can't get enough sex. I am the
Energizer Bunny of the limitless libido...until I up the ante and add an extra
pillow to the bed long-term. When relationships I'm in become more permanent,
I often go through a fairly long stage of being almost completely
disinterested in sex altogether, which is -- if I haven't warned them -- a
great shock to my partners. Why does this happen? Because it's so easy. I'm
a girl who likes a challenge in my heart, and once the hunt be done, my quiver
misses the arrow. Others may find their sex drive catapults into
near-impossibility in it's demands. Others still may find that they perhaps
miss the regular schedule of every Friday night, and adjusting is
difficult. People who once wouldn't notice an Adonis or Aphrodite walking down
the street may suddenly rubberneck every passerby once they're off-limits.
It's all over the map, but the constant is that for almost everyone, upping
our level of commitment changes our sexual behavior.
Based on our ideals for partnership, we all have expectations of what the
sexual life of a spouse or partner is, and we may not even realize we have
them. We may not feel we need to make those expectations go away once we
acknowledge them -- some may be excellent and healthy -- but if we're
intellectually and emotionally prepared for them to meet daily life and prove
false or unrealistic, and willing to adapt them or let go of them completely,
we'll be a whole lot happier.
Put all your cards on the table before you play your hand, even if it means
you'll lose the game. A good number of people keep some sexual "secrets"
under lock and key until AFTER they've wed or partnered with someone. Some
tragically hide them their whole lives. I knew a man once who knew years
before he married, with certainty, that he was gay. He loved the woman he
married very much, albeit only platonically, and felt he could make it work.
Over the next forty years, he had countless crushes on, and half-affairs with,
the college boys he taught. His sex life with his wife began and ended with
the conception of two children. He was unhappy most of the time, and passed
on never having said a single word to her about it.
Obviously, that's an extreme case. But if, for instance, we have endless
fantasies we want to act out about multiple partners, or if we're interested
in BDSM or other alternative practices, or if we -- like I do -- know that we
go through long spells of not wanting much sex at all or conversely know we
want and expect it night and day, we create a potentially impossible situation
if our we do not tell our partners these things before we shack up. We
basically make sexual negotiation impossible if we want to negotiate something
that is imperative or intrinsic to our natures that our partners never even
had the vaguest clue existed. If nonnegotiable sexual aspects, behaviors or
preferences exist that we know about, and don't inform our partners of, we
don't leave a lot of room to negotiate. "Deal with it, babe," isn't exactly a
great opener to a mutually productive dialogue.
It is entirely possible that some of our sexual needs and desires simply
cannot be rectified with a given partner. That may mean we may have to
prioritize or choose to let go of some of those things in the short or
long-term to engage in that partnership. It may even make clear that in the
long run, it just isn't the right partnership, and we may have to move on. But
it is far, far better to do this sort of sharing, communicating and exploring
before we put down roots and make commitments. If that isn't possible -- as
we sometimes discover things about our sexual selves far later in life we
never suspected before -- it is far better to recognize that some things are
impassible and move on, or reevaluate the terms of a relationship, than to
drag each other through the ringer trying to get one or both partners to give
something that they cannot give, or will not be comfortable or happy
providing.
It goes without saying that for optimum health of both self and
partnership,some things sexual cannot just be tossed under the rug our whole
lives. We cannot healthily deny our sexual orientation, for instance. If we
have strong fetishes, preferences or proclivities that we know don't or can't
include or interest our partner, assuming we'll "grow out of them" is
unrealistic. A lot of sexual behavior and identity is rooted very deeply in
our psyches from childhood, and though we can certainly manage most of it, we
cannot make it go away, or pretend it isn't there.
Don't throw away your vibrator or kiss your palm goodbye. We all have
hungry times and dry spells. While we can work with our partner to make both
manageable and enjoyable, it is not healthy for anyone to have sex when they
don't want to, or to have sex solely for the purpose of getting someone else's
rocks off so they'll just leave us alone and let us go to sleep, already. We
also cannot expect our partners to psychically guess at what we want, or make
us familiar or comfortable with our own sexuality or body.
Masturbation, or other self-sexual or sensual activities, is often nature's
answer to many sexual issues, including seemingly unmanageable libidos or
someone else's lack of interest, sexual communication, and sexual
self-knowledge. Recognize that when it comes to sex, you can -- literally --
take matters into your own hands to solve a number of different problems,
bridge a lot of partnership gaps, and establish the basis for a realistic view
of your sexual self.
It's no one's job to make sure you're sexually satisfied but yours, and no one
else can assess what your sexual needs, likes and dislikes are but
you. Understanding our sexuality outside our partnership is integral to
understanding, exploring and managing it within our partnership. Anne
Semans and Cathy Winks state in The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex that,
"the very best way to pinpoint what you like is to concentrate when
masturbating." They also add that being able to communicate and negotiate
with a partner about sex, "starts with articulating our needs to ourselves."
Truer words were rarely spoken, and are all too often overlooked or cast
aside, to the detriment of our sexual relationships with ourselves and others.
Love, honor and obey...when the other person is being reasonable. It's
no fair to demand or insist on sex or a type of sex from anyone, and expect
that just because they agreed to be our life-partner, they should comply.
Even when we've unionized our lives with someone else, we need to recognize
that they are not a part of our whole, but a companion to it, and they, like
us, are still wholly their own. Conversely, we are allowed and should feel
comfortable saying no to our partner without guilt when we're not interested
in something which they want. If we begin to act out of obligation instead of
love and respect, while it may seem simpler and more peaceable short term, in
the long-run we are robbing ourselves and our partnership of honesty,
communication and genuine, mutual partnership.
Sometimes, our sexual lives merge very harmoniously and organically, as so
it's easy to feel that on some level, we really are "one," but if we get too
attached to that notion, and it becomes expectation, it can be very
frustrating when our desires and needs differ.
The largest sex organ in the human body is the brain. In a world
chock-full of sex advice, it's easy to become distracted with "secret sex
tips" or Cosmo headlines. But all that aside, perfecting our fellatio
technique, or using the latest gadget is only of use if we're interested,
aroused, comfortable and our needs feel addressed.
The best sex tip anyone can give you isn't to learn to flick your tongue like
a serpent, or to memorize 367 steps to better intercourse. It's to understand
ourselves and our partners, accept us all as we are, and to talk to your
partner about sex, not just in the bedroom or during sexual activity, but as a
normal component of our daily lives. Relationship counselor Eve Eschner
Hogan, in her book Intellectual Foreplay, composed a vast series of
questions for partners to ask one another about sex, ranging from how
comfortable each partner is with being nude, to how each feels initiating sex,
to what times of the day or month each partner feels a high sex drive.
Establishing an easy dialogue about numerous aspects of our sexuality is key
to getting what we want as well as ensuring that our partner is comfortable,
and can get the same.
If we know, for instance, that when our partner is menstruating, they are
sexually disinterested, we can spare ourselves some disappointment or feelings
of rejection. If we discover that one of us is more reticent about initiating
sex, we can realize that that doesn't mean they aren't interested because they
don't initiate, and in addition, work on creative ways to make initiating more
comfortable. We may discover in talking about sex that one of us likes things
the other does not, and feel out ways to bridge that gap. For example, if one
partner is interested in bondage or sadomasochism, and that turns the other a
sickly shade of chartreuse, we may be able to seek a middle ground in light
sensation play, with blindfolds, feathers or ice cubes.
If we've been honest with ourselves and each other on a daily basis, most
sexual gaps can be bridged, simply by keeping a dialogue with a
willingness to compromise, and a recognition that our partner doesn't "owe" us
anything at all when it comes to sex. What we owe ourselves and each other
instead is communication, honesty and acceptance, and the willingness to carry
our own weight and synergize our needs with our partners needs as fairly as
possible with a greater love of reality and growth than of fantasy and
preconceived notion.
***
Ultimately, no one else can make us sexually whole or satisfied but ourselves,
and because sexuality is an integral aspect of our physiology, psychology and
emotional being, it is a job that is never done, and that is -- and should be
-- constantly evolving.
If we are evaluating and discussing our sexual selves and our sexual
partnership daily with an open mind and with sincerity and honesty, not only
will we find greater sexual satisfaction with our partner and within
ourselves, we will develop skills for communication, negotiation and
self-realization that will affect every aspect of our lives positively
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